Hollywood lives: stardom, glamor, and whipped cream addictions
As the shadows retreat from the grimy sidewalks of Hollywood boulevard and the sun begins to dance across the cracks and crevices of the street of dreams, a star also rises, forming out of the dark folds of light and shadow and the name emblazoned in gold takes flight. For that brief moment, anyone near would be fooled into feeling that name, alight and ringing into the crisp California air like a songbird, was the most important star on the walk of fame. But it’s only Joolee Aurand. And that brief moment of shining gold is a sad reminder of the American Dream gone sour. Today we will take a look at the rise and fall of one of America’s- and arguably the world’s- most loved, most tragic and most forgotten ‘it’ girls.
It is said that Joolee (born John J. Aurand) was born in 1972 somewhere near Mount Caubvick in the remote Torngat Mountains of New Foundland- though historical scholars debate the birthdate of 1972 which seems to be disproven by much earlier photos of John as a child with such prominent historical figures as Saint Francis of Assisi, Johannes Brahms, and Leon Battista Alberti. We know very little about what transpired in what is now known as Joolee’s ‘John Period.’ What we do know is that John passed from country to country until emerging from a freight liner arriving from the Dzoosotoyn Elisen Desert into the United States as Joolee. Joolee arrived with a handwritten note that read: ‘here- you take her.”
From there things began to take off for the young Joolee. Her gorgeous looks and impeccable personality landed her much sought after roles such as Miep Geis in the highly acclaimed Crested Butte production of The Diary of Anne Frank. Close friend Julie Raine recalls: “Even then the pressure was too much for Joolee. The long hours of rehearsal and the memory of her own participation in the Frank family’s life began to take a toll on her, and I think she just turned to huffing as a way to cope.” Other cast members were frightened of Joolee’s temper and she was removed from the show after pushing Anne Frank down the attic stairs screaming a line from the oscar deserving epic film Showgirls: “There’s always someone younger and prettier coming down the stairs behind you!”
Her banishment from the performance came as a blessing to Joolee who met her first husband Jill Birsa while attending secret training for overseas SS work. “We were in Japanese class one day and I turned to her and said: ‘あなたは私と結婚する.’ and she said: ‘私はことを愛することが多く、私はあなたが私の人生について教えてくださいする必要があります。 今じゃありません。 後にあるかもしれない。 ホットチョコレート。 はい。 私はあなたと結婚する病気 !’ And I was just so happy!” Jill hailed from a small Eastern European country that no longer exists and was being trained for Secret Services work as well. The two eloped and were sent on a mission together to Rhodesia. About their time together Jill says: “I’m not allowed to discuss that.” They divorced quickly on a plane on the way home and Joolee set out for Hollywood. “It was so tragic” Julie Raine tells us “We were forming this secret society and declared independence from the United States as a republic called the Independent Republic of Julie-Joolee, or for short ‘The United State of Joolie.’ But she got so tangled up in the Hollywood dream that we lost her.’ In Holywood Joolee married B. Girsa a prominent producer and choreographer. “While she was married to Girsa we just really lost her” recalls good friend Jason Bowman who had also attended Secret Services training for Japanese. “ She started getting corrective plastic surgeries and then went on tour as a dancer with Beyonce. One day I calld her and I said: 私たちは、話をすることができ、 joolee, and she just said: (副) いいえ; はい; まさか; いや . I never heard from her again.”
Hollywood marked the final downfall of America’s sweetheart as Girsa got her involved in the drug ring and she fell into a tragic hole of her whipped cream addiction. “I can’t think of two more unhappily married people,” Says Joolee’s friend Sharon Legenza “We went on a camping trip and she was just so out of it, she was losing it all night in the tent. Hysterically and maniacally laughing. She said there were this corporation of little people that were out to get her, they were cutting holes in her sleeping pad or something. We didn’t know what to do, we just played along. I feel guilty about it now…”
And then tragedy really struck. Joolee had invested all of her money in Doggles and DVD rewinders and when both failed she lost everything. No longer able to keep up with her stringent plastic surgery regime Girsa left and Joolee went into a recovery center in Alaska. Here she met Bill Jirsa and was married immediately. The two went into hiding in a remote village on Ross Island. “When I met Joolee, I fell instantly in love.” Says one time lover, Richard Lamanna. Unable to resist her charms and by this time, unnaturally beautiful looks, Richard and Joolee had a brief and torrid love affair unbeknownst to Jirsa. “I fell so deeply in love with her, I went crazy. Literally.” When Joolee refused to leave Jirsa and flee for Dollywood, Lamanna fell into a deep depression and was placed in a psychiatric ward for two years. “Everywhere she went, she left a wake of grieving men. As Jirsa began to realize this wake, the couple fell deeper and deeper into more remote living and circumstance until they fell from the public eye. One day the paparazzi photos ceased and the couple fell into obscurity. Little is known about the two now- but on Hollywood boulevard, when the sun is just right, there is star with the name Joolee Aurand, which reminds us of the tragic possibilities that may lay in wait, for any of us.
joolee's forty 
Aaah, the memories you’ve stirred up, Richard…you really did tell almost all…deep thanks for leaving out the part where you gifted Narlene the Narwhal the painkillers you’d collected in Thailand and promised to me…that was just too painful to relive. Oooh, and since you mentioned the DVD rewinders, that reminds me…that didn’t completely tank, and I’m looking for investors…the smartphones have just about run their course, and we’re trending back to DVDs for information dissemination. Here in France, they are already headed that way. Also, I never pushed little Anne…she slipped on Mr. Kraler’s mustache and I just happened to be behind her at the time…I loved little Anne, more even than Toblerone bars….